Anger, sadness, and frustration are all I think these days when I need to do some writing in my journal. It’s so draining. Venting is supposed to be a place to release your thoughts, especially when you’re feeling extra emotional and need to let it all out in a safe. I get that. I’ve had journals/diaries off and on since I was 8 years old. But I often find myself becoming to frustrated with the feelings that take over while I journal. My feelings are my monsters and too often, it feels like they are dragging me deeper into a hole of despair. I get angry because I just want to be happy. To have my life together. I don’t want to feel these negative things and become irritated by my inability to be happy. I start to doubt the therapeutic effects of journaling, feeling like I’m just continuously victimizing myself. My most recent journal entries you can see the frustration and desperation in the writing. The word F@*# taking up most of the pages in large, jagged, irritated writing.
When I briefly expressed my frustration towards journaling with my therapist in my last session, she said that it’s ok to feel angry while journaling. That we want to let these feelings out. And I get it. Objectively, I get the importance of releasing feelings and getting it all out there. But in practice, I always feel like I’m only exasperating feelings of anguish and hopelessness. Because if venting worked, Why do the feelings always come back? While I sometimes feel a weight off my shoulder for a little bit, my problems are still there, so wouldn’t it be for fruitful to focus on cultivating feelings of joy and happiness instead? How will constantly feeling frustrated actually benefit me?
The feeling behind this mental obstacle is more than frustration, it’s shame. Shame over not being able to easily manifest happiness. Shame over feeling like I’m not ‘grateful’ enough for what I have. Shame over feeling like I’m going to be like this forever. One symptom of depression I would like to see discussed more is that feeling of shame that comes with not being able to get your brain to operate the way you want it to, or not being able to reach your goals. Writing about my frustration only perpetuates this shame and there’s nothing like shame to send you deeper into a spiral of depression and leave you feeling perpetually stuck, sending you into ‘why even bother’ mode. A very dark and stagnant place to be.
Why I need to journal is what I hate about journaling. To bring my feelings to the surface so that I can be enveloped in their sensation-even if it is painful. The thing is, running from these feelings does not get rid of feelings The cognitive dissonance is that I hate to write because I hate to feel but but by not writing I’m feeling all of those things anyways. They’re always there, festering an waiting for their time to shine. I am terrified of the rabbit hole. That if I let myself go to dark places, I’ll never be able to find my way out.
But the thing is-I’m int he dark anyways. There may be some nice paintings on the wall and a couple night lights, but It’s a dark place nonetheless and the monsters are still here. Regardless of whether I’m journaling or not, I’m still feeling all of the emotions. The illusion is that by suppressing them I feel like I’m controlling them, but suppression and control are not the same.
Shame really is one of the most insidious, obstructive, painful and useless of all the human monsters. It perpetuates self-hate and stifles growth, suffocating it’s victims, leaving them incapable of moving forward. Shame says more about what you think of yourself than what you are capable of becoming. It’s clear now that I’ll never be out of the darkness until I confront the monsters. The only way out is through.
